We’ve teamed up with What to Expect UK to offer one TalkMum reader a What to Expect goodie bag (containing a DVD copy of the Hollywood blockbuster staring Cameron Diaz and J-Lo, a copy of the pregnancy book, and the workout DVD). Read more

Today we’re saying a big hello to new TalkMum blogger Anna, mum to a baby boy, image consultant and fashion blogger. Make sure you read her blog over at www.byannaelizabeth.com. Here’s Anna on how life – and herself – has changed since she became a mum:

When I started to write this post it was supposed to be about how my life had changed since becoming a Mother, I had endless examples – 4am wake-up calls as opposed to lazy Sunday lie-ins, the fact that CBeebies is now the favourite TV channel in our home and that I know all the words to ‘Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush’ but couldn’t for the life of me tell you what the current Number 1 is. Things like this are often quoted when you ask new parents about how life has changed – and they’re all absolutely true!

After a long think about it though, I decided that the thing that has changed the most since having a baby, is me. So rather than talking about how my life has changed I thought I’d write about how I have changed…

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. - Rajneesh Read more

With Mother’s Day having just passed, there has been a plethora of advice flooding social networks and television adverts regarding what to buy your beloved mother. But what’s the worst gift for mums you could possibly give, or receive - a fluorescent Nelson Mandela apron, an open box of cereal, perineum massage oil…? Here’s new TalkMum blogger Marissa from Little Rascal Reviews:

I’m aware that when it comes to presents, it’s “…the thought that counts” but we all secretly know that’s the stock excuse for people who can’t be bothered to think about what someone would actually like to receive. To be honest, I’d prefer a well-written personal card rather than having to expend time and energy working out how to “get rid of” (in The Sopranos sense) a rubbish present without hurting anyone’s feelings. I also realise I’ve committed myself to having to buy beautiful, practical gifts for my loved ones for the rest of my life…*rapidly stuffs JML Shower Feet back into box*

I wanted to take a fresh approach and attempt to impart advice as to what NOT to buy – either for your mum or as a present for a new mum. This got me thinking about some of the more unusual gifts that I’ve heard of – as follows: Read more

Today is World Down’s Syndrome day, and to celebrate we have a guest post from the fabulous Deborah French, mum of four and author of the book A Brief Moment in Time. At the birth of her second child, Deborah discovered that her baby had Down’s Syndrome, and when her first child was two, she was told he had Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Her website is here:

Becoming a mum aged 24 was so exciting. I had been married a year, I took the sleepless nights in my stride and adored the smiles and giggles of my baby boy.  Pregnancy and birth, though challenging, was wonderful and I anticipated going through it again.  Then, with a seven month old baby to care for, I found myself pregnant and the initial period of excitement continued through to the birth of my second child when I was 25 years old.

This enduring excitement forcefully ceased within seconds after birth, as my daughter was brought to me for the first time. While my husband and the medical staff present during my Caesarian were elated with the news, I stole my first glance at my baby girl and froze.  My daughter had Down’s syndrome.

A very sad and anxious year later, at the age of 26, I sat motionless in the office of a clinical psychologist, as we were informed that our two and a half year old son had Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

There is much talk in society today about the facilities available to children with special needs.  This is a considerable improvement in comparison to how these children were ‘handled’ only a few years ago.  Yet understanding what it actually feels like as a parent, to find out that your child has special needs, is still a taboo subject.  Not many people would openly admit that they have battled with prejudice tendencies, harbored anger and resentment, nor would they like to publicly acknowledge that in fact they have felt ashamed and embarrassed of their situation.

As a mother you instinctively learn to anticipate the unexpected, but this kind of unexpected…twice…can be too much for anyone to bear.

I wanted to write a book to explain how I chose to face these negative feelings, as I struggled against the grip of denial and its impact on my attitude, to grow stronger as a result and as a family… how we made it through.

Thanks Deborah! Her e-book memoir A Brief Moment in Time will be available for download at all major online bookstores from 8th April. Make sure you read Deborah’s dedication to her daughter in celebration of today. You can follow her on Twitter @SpecialEd4mums and Facebook at www.fb.com/SpecialEd4mums. Find out more about World Down’s Syndrome here.

Today on TalkMum we welcome Kiran, mum to a toddler and pregnant with her second child. A freelance writer, journalist, and blogger at hellolittlemister.wordpress.com, Kiran recently returned home to London after nearly a decade of living overseas. Here she talks about finding out she was pregnant, and the start of her motherhood journey:

I always wanted children. As a young girl, I would picture my future, and in it would be children. I’d imagine them at school, on holiday by the sea, and at after school clubs. I’d imagine the games they would play and the books they would read. But looking back now, I can see that my vision of the future was all about them. It didn’t fully occur to me that I’d switch roles and go from being a daughter to being a mother. It didn’t cross my mind to think about what kind of a mother I would be, or how I would cope with bringing up my own children. In fact, it wasn’t until I saw a tiny hand moving in front of a little button nose on a sonographer’s screen that I really embarked on my emotional journey towards motherhood.

I was very much a newlywed when I found out I was pregnant. We were delighted, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of anxiety that swept over me when I saw two blue lines emerging on the white stick I’d bought at the chemist. My husband, on learning that our lives were going to change forever, couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. A while later, he returned from a walk to the supermarket and remarked that people must have thought he was crazy – he still hadn’t stopped grinning.

I felt sick. Very tired, very scared, and very sick. Until the scan at twelve weeks, I didn’t let myself believe we would have a baby. My mother kept telling me there was nothing to worry about; my husband said we couldn’t even let ourselves think anything other than that we were having a healthy baby – but I still couldn’t relax. Read more

What were the biggest changes to your life once you had a baby? Here’s TalkMum blogger Fran on everything that has altered in her world since becoming a mother. Read Fran’s blog The Parent Social, and make sure you also check out her previous posts.

My life changed incomprehensibly an hour before my daughter was born when I was rushed in for a ventouse delivery. She’d turned back-to-back and her heart rate had dropped (following a 37 hour labour!). I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life. Of course I wasn’t scared for me, I was scared for someone else in a way I couldn’t explain; a fear for the safety of someone I hadn’t even met yet. Sofia was born; I didn’t hear a cry (probably for a matter of seconds, I thought minutes) PANIC! It was all good – a healthy bouncing baby girl. The rollercoaster of motherhood had begun.

I immediately experienced a very different type of love from anything I’d known before: that completely unconditional love, where I would do anything for my daughter. Overnight, I’d become a far more selfless person. Previously a bit of a social butterfly and a definite bon viveur, I was very happy staying in with my family and didn’t miss my previous out-five-nights-a-week lifestyle. When I did have the occasional night out I appreciated it far more.

Becoming a mother was tinged with some sadness, having lost my own mum many years ago. I knew she would have been absolutely ecstatic about having grandchildren and I couldn’t help but think how my new life as a mother would be quite different if she was around. There were so many things I wished I could ask her. I was reminded of her recounting to me how, when I was a baby, she would often call my granny (who lived over 150 miles away), provide a London weather report and describe what I was wearing to see if it sounded suitable. I wanted to have my mum on hand to ask ‘silly’ questions and, I suppose, to mother me a bit. However, not having this luxury did mean that I really had to get stuck in and not be indulged, as I would have been if she was around. It strengthened my relationship with my husband, as it was him that I always turned to first, and he who I discussed my various mother neuroses with.

The dynamics of our relationship did change. We bonded even more through our mutual love for our daughter, but inevitably we didn’t have as much time for each other. We had to work harder at making time for us as a couple and when we did go out – just the two of us – we tried to ensure that we talked about things other than the baby. Read more

We’re bombarded with images of mothers in the media: the advertising cliche of the busy mum, the idealised ‘yummy mummy’, perfectly pregnant celebrities, the perpetual battle between working vs staying at home, and constant reminders of the guilt that we’re supposed to feel. But what is it actually like being a a mum in modern Britain?

This month we’ll be taking a look at what motherhood means to our TalkMums, and charting the journey towards getting there. We will look at how life changes once you have a baby, and how relationships with those around you can be affected.

But more than anything we’ll be celebrating everyday life as a mum, and the great job that we do. So welcome to the motherhood month!

Handing it over to our TalkMums…what is the best thing about being a mum? Read more

It can be very easy to become overwhelmed when you first become a parent, with so many new things happening all at once (especially when feeding and changing the baby can sometimes take up a whole day!). Here TalkMum Fozia, who blogs over at Muslim Mummy, talks about how it’s OK to ask for – and accept – help, especially from your family:

No matter how prepared you think you are, with washed and folded clothes, cot all set up, nursery decorated, nothing fully prepares you for the arrival of your baby. Your life literally changes, but obviously for the better!

It is great being fully prepared, but what will actually be the most useful in this new chapter of life, is accepting help from others if it is available.

No it doesn’t make you a failure, it doesn’t mean you can’t cope. You will end up being grateful for the help you get. Trust me.

Think about it, for 9 months you have carried another life inside you. You may have had a difficult 9 months, then you are physically exhausted by giving birth. You may not even get a chance to rest to allow your body to recover before the sleepless nights start. So if you are lucky enough to have help, I say grab it with open arms.

I have my parents living close by. They wanted me to go stay with them after the baby was born because I had a third degree tear and they wanted to help. I drew the line at going to stay with them as I wanted my own space.

However, I am genuinely grateful for their help. I had to do nothing except feed and change the baby. They took my eldest to school, fed her after school and brought her home. They even brought me and my husband cooked meals so I did not have to cook. My mum would even wash any dishes that my hubby may have left before he went to work. I was able to sleep when baby slept and this I think kept me sane. I further believe that the rest helped my tear heal quickly.

With my first child I was living with my parents. At that time I felt like they thought I could not cope and that is why they were ‘taking over’. Now I now that it was simply because they already knew how exhausting the first few weeks can be, so this time round I was grateful for all the help I could get.

If you do not have family around to help then it is still important to rest as much as you possibly can. Freeze some meals before the due date so you don’t have to cook, don’t stress if the house is in a bit of a state the first week, and if you don’t want visitors the first few days then just say. If they are parents then they will understand.

It’s common for new mothers to experience a dose of ‘the baby blues’ - mood changes, irritability and feeling tearful – which normally clears up within a few weeks of giving birth. But what if the feelings don’t go away? If you experience persistent and worsening symptoms, it could well be the result of postnatal depression. Here Cat Dean, blogger and author of The Postnatal Survival Guide discusses some recent research, maternal guilt and her own experience of PND:

I have just stumbled across some research I rather wish I hadn’t – according to a new study there is a “significantly increased risk of depression in children of mothers suffering from postpartum depression”.

The researchers conclude that these findings… “emphasize the importance of screening for PND and to provide early intervention”.

I realise that guilt is part and parcel of the maternal package for many women. We are constantly told that the way we treat our children today, whether we are putting them in childcare, feeding them ready meals or letting them watch too much CBeebies, will somehow damage them down the line.

Most of us cut ourselves a fair amount of slack on this front, mainly because “everyone else does it” and “you can never really tell what to put down to nature or nurture” are pretty compelling arguments at the best of times. And because we secretly know that it’s not that bad. We’re human and “good enough”.

But this study is far more pernicious. It is bad enough going through PND at the time – the guilt you can feel when you’re struggling to bond with your baby can be overwhelming – without then being told that you’re hugely increasing your baby’s chances of being depressed as a child/teenager.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t study things like this – as the researchers point out, it’s important to have the data so we can make strong arguments for helping mothers who are at risk of developing PND or are in the early stages of the illness. But the way we interpret and write about it is very important too.

Funnily enough, I’ve not seen this researched quoted in the press very widely – but I can just imagine the Daily Mail (or equivalent misogynist rag) leaping on it to add yet more insult to injury. Bad mothers who can’t look after their babies properly also turn them into raving delinquents. Or at best, maladjusted adolescents.

We should all be able to look our demons in the face, and acknowledge that there will be negative consequences to things that happen in our lives, things over which we have no control. But we need to put them into context and realise that a) the findings of this study do not mean that every child of a mother who has had PND will be depressed, b) there are many things we can do to foster a loving attachment once we have recovered from our illness and c) if our child does get depressed, we will never know exactly what contributed to it.

We cannot beat ourselves up about everything. I already have this tendency so need to keep it in check. My eldest child is quite sensitive and highly strung – and I often find myself wondering if my PND is to blame for his moods. Truth be told, it’s most likely that he’s highly strung because I am – and you can’t fight genetics. Or the simple fact of being four.

What we can do, though, is create some perspective, and work towards making our lives as relaxed and enjoyable as possible, regardless of our history. Sound too simplistic? Of course it is, and yet I genuinely believe it’s the most important thing we can do. In the words of the AA Serenity Prayer, “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

We cannot change one moment of our children’s past, for better or worse. But we are masters and mistresses of our present, and should look to improving our quality of life and mind in whatever way feels right. For this our children will thank us.

Cat Dean blogs at www.postnatalsurvival.com and is author of Fertile Thinking and The Postnatal Survival Guide, which is available to download now.

Kicking off the February theme of ‘The first few months’ is TalkMum blogger Fran, discussing what she wishes she’d known when she first became a parent, and how she coped with the arrival of her second babies. You can follow Fran’s blog here.

Aside from wishing I’d magically know everything about caring for a newborn, there were quite a few things I wish I’d known before becoming a parent; the first being that the huge physical and emotional effort of birth followed by dipping hormone levels can do funny things to a person. I wasn’t prepared for getting a feeling of anticlimax after the initial euphoria. When back home from the hospital I didn’t think I felt as ecstatic as I should have done and I felt guilty. The feeling quickly passed and then I was one doting, happy mum. I just wish I’d known that the baby blues are perfectly normal and that there was no need to feel guilty.

Why did no one tell me that in the early days, leaving the house requires military planning and can take a serious number of hours? I’d packed the changing bag, had got us both dressed and fed, yet somehow in a whirl of exploding nappies, a number of outfit changes (because of aforementioned nappies) and another on demand feed several more hours had elapsed. I couldn’t see how this process would ever get easier and faster, but of course it did.

There will be those days where you try to cram in too much and it all goes a bit wrong: you go to a group in the morning, you agree to meet with other mums in the afternoon, the baby doesn’t sleep when you expected him to, you get an unexpected visitor, you need to do several loads of washing and the sink is full of dishes. Sometimes you just have to put it down to experience and think that tomorrow is another day. Read more